Half Fast Cook

How to Make a Panini Sandwich on a George Foreman Grill

2011-10-31T15:08:00.000-07:00

Ham and Cheese Panini on a George Foreman Indoor Grill

The Half Fast Cook is having grilled Panini sandwiches made on the standard little George Foreman grill tonight. Yes. You can make paninis on the GF instead going out and buying a panini press which is expensive and just one more kitchen appliance that probably won't fit in the cabinets.

I had my first panini in New York City. Yum. But, those paninis are expensive and even the cheap frozen ones at the grocery store kind of make you step back and say, "Ouch." We're talking a sandwich. Buy some bread, meat, and cheese, and you can eat all week for the price of a pre-made panini. Lord, I think I'm channeling my mother again. She washes out the zip lock bags.

Since I thought that restaurant panini was so rocking good, I decided I needed some way to make paninis at home. The George Foreman was sitting there on the cabinet, and I figured it was a press grill so was a similar concept. You're really just looking at a grilled sandwich but cooked from the top and bottom at the same time instead of putting the sandwich in a skillet and flipping it.

How to Make a Panini in a George Foreman Grill

1. Get some sturdy bread - not the soft Bunny bread that tears easily. You want something with substance, since the bread bears the weight. We don't have loads of choices on bread here, so I usually buy a loaf of crusty French bread and just slice it thick myself.

2. Butter two slices of bread - just the sides that will come in contact with the George Foreman grill. You would think that would go without saying, but trust me when I say it needs to be said. People email me their kitchen mistakes. Bless them. It helps me help you.

3. Put a slice of bread buttered side down on the George Foreman indoor grill and add meat/cheese (or whatever you want) and top with the other buttered slice of bread butter up toward the top plate press.

4. Close the lid on the George Foreman and let the sandwich grill for a few minutes. The time can vary depending on the specific model (and some adjust on the temps), but my standard little George Foreman runs about 3 to 4 minutes for a fairly crispy toast on the bread. I like my really dark to be honest, but I held myself back for the photo.

That's the Half Fast way to have yummy panini sandwiches at home without having to buy a panini press and without paying through the nose.

My favorite panini is egg salad. Yes. I kid you not. It sounds kind of gross, but I had one years ago done in a skillet, and it's like the breakfast sandwich from heaven. Just mix up some egg salad. Then, don't spread it on too thick. A little goes a long way and mashes out the sides if you overdo it. That's my kitchen secret of the day. Make yourself a panini and think about trying out the egg salad panini.

How to Make Pumpkin Puree

2011-10-23T07:45:00.000-07:00

Now, I know it's easier to go grab a can of Libby's pumpkin off the shelf, but if you have a pumpkin or if you're feeling your cooking mojo, then it's not hard to make your own pumpkin puree.

In the south, jack-o-lantern pumpkins are called cow pumpkins and generally fed to the livestock. Cooking pumpkins are the smaller, darker colored pumpkins that don’t look as pretty. Of course, I guess it's all in what you consider pretty though.

If you use your jack-o-lantern pumpkin, then increase the spices called for in the recipe. Otherwise, your dish will taste kind of bland.

There are three basic ways to prepare fresh pumpkin to be used in recipes:

1. Baked Fresh Pumpkin – Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Cut the pumpkin in half and clean out the seeds and stringy stuff. Cover a baking sheet with tin foil. Brush a little melted butter on the cut edges of the pumpkin. Place the sides cut side down on the cookie sheet. Cook for around an hour or until the pumpkin is soft. Cool. Remove the pumpkin skin. Cut into pieces and blend or put through a food processor until the mixture is smooth like canned pumpkin.

2. Boiled Fresh Pumpkin – Remove the seeds and strings. Peel and cut the pumpkin into chunks. Put pumpkin chunks in a large pan. Cover with water. Bring to a light boil. Cook until tender. Cool. As with the baked method, blend or food process the pumpkin until smooth.

3. Microwaved Fresh Pumpkin – Clean seeds and strings out of pumpkin. Cube with rind on. Place chunks in a microwave safe bowl and cover loosely with plastic wrap. Cook on medium until soft. Check every 5 minutes as microwave times vary. Once chunks are cool, peel off the rind. Blend or food process until smooth just as in the other methods.

If the pumpkin puree looks runny, there are two ways to thicken it up.

How To Thicken Up Fresh Pumpkin Puree

1. Put the pumpkin puree in a saucepan and cook over medium heat. Cook until it reaches the consistency desired. This just takes some of the water out of the fresh pumpkin.

2. Line a strainer with cheesecloth or coffee filters. Place the strainer in a big bowl. Pour the fresh pumpkin in the strainer. Leave this in the refrigerator over night. The excess liquid will drain off and can be rinsed away the next morning leaving you with thicker pumpkin.

You will probably have more pumpkin than you need for your recipe, unless you buy a really small pumpkin. You can freeze the leftovers. Most recipes seem to call for 2 cups, so just measure out two cup portions and seal in zip lock bags.

New York Times Food Critic Outed and Turned Away by Red Medicine Restaurant

2010-12-27T17:54:00.000-08:00

Red Medicine restaurant in Beverly Hills is either nuts or genius. They spotted the Los Angeles Times restaurant critic S. Irene Virbila in the house and then made her wait a good long time, snapped her photo and posted it online, and refused to serve her.

On the one hand, Red Medicine got some press off that snarky move. And, you know they say that any press is good press, although I could argue that one.

The flip side though is that you have to wonder . . . what are they hiding at Red Medicine if they can't serve a food critic - even one known to be a bit biting?

This story caught my eye, because I do some restaurant reviews and also have done some restaurant mystery shopping. This works out well for me, because I blend in easily and also change up my appearance all the time. One of my students saw several photos over the years and asked if I'm in the witness protection program. I had to laugh. No. I just work well as a canvas and can color my hair or get a cut and put on different clothes and look different but still bland enough not to set off any radars.

Frankly, I don't pay much attention to the big name critics on restaurants. Red Medicine may have pushed the envelope, but I suspect that many restaurant critics are spotted and then given better treatment and food than the average man or woman off the street. Of course, this would be SHHHHH. Let's just all play the game.

I enjoy checking out new restaurants and ones when we travel, and I am very sure that the Half Fast Cook is never pegged as a writer with an excellent palate (even if I joke around about food). I remember doing a mystery shop and invited a student at the college to be my guest. I asked her if I did anything to blow my cover. She about fell out in the parking lot and said, "Heck no. That was about the worst service ever, and I am sure they would have tried harder if they had known they were being graded."

Newspapers need to hunt up some better restaurant critics and ones that reflect the general population. Then, they'd have much better stories. In the meantime, you can find some very classic "real people" reviews of restaurants that are more reflective of what you might expect . . . unless you are a hot shot.

How will things sort out for restaurant critic S. Irene Virbila and for the new Vietnamese eatery - Red Medicine? Who knows and who really cares? The restaurant says that the critic is unfair in her reviews, and the critic says that she was not there to do a review. I'm not so sure either passes the sniff test.

Just say NO to Happy Meals? San Francisco Plays Big Brother to Mcdonalds

2010-10-05T07:44:00.001-07:00

Where does it end? San Francisco is working on banning toys in Happy Meals. Well, they might let the kids have toys IF McDonalds includes a serving of fruit and a serving of vegetables in the Happy Meal.

I thought they were having real issues out there in California. Just sounds like they have too much time on their hands though. Next thing you know, the leaders of San fran will be looking in your windows and handing out fines if you eat Cheetos while you watch the ballgame.

I Rented this Buitoni Ravioli Dinner Only

2010-09-07T16:54:00.001-07:00

Buitoni Ravioli Frozen Dinner

If I can stay out of the bathroom long enough, I will tell you all about our Buitoni Ravioli night here at the homestead.

First let me say that I had a free coupon to get this dinner. Well, the coupon said free. The cashier said it was up to $5.47 or some random amount. The dinner was $9.99. Oh well, That's still a good deal, and I was excited to get to try this meal out.

The basic idea is that you have homemade ravioli (sort of - if you can call frozen homemade). Then, you drop the sauce bag in a pot and put the lid on and bring the water to a boil. Hum. How do you see the boil with the lid on? OK. I peeked. But, I could hear it going, so I had a clue there. After that, you drop in the ravioli noodles which are about 3 inches across and let them boil for 5 minutes.

The final step is to drain the noodles and cut open the hot bag of sacue and pour that over the ravioli.

This is not rocket science, and it does not take long. Thumbs up on that.

The thing that impressed my son the most when I was making Buitoni Braised Beef & Sausage Ravioli with Creamy Marinara sauce (gota have a long name if it's gourmet) was the new stove burner turning cool colors while the food was boiling.

Tada! Dinner was ready in a flash. But, I must say that Buitoni looks . . . well interesting. I have provided a photo, so I will not have to put my verbal skills to the test to describe the appearance of gourmet ravioli.

Perhaps a stir will help on the plating. Or not. OK. It's the taste that counts right?

Buitoni has been making up dinners or something since 1927, so obviously there are people who must love this stuff. My son and I are not in that group I must say; however, my dog Hershey gave a big paws up. He is thrilled with people food except for that green Jell-O my Mom makes and the cheese straws with cayenne pepper.

The meat did have a sausage flavor like the Italian sausage balls on Pizza Hut pizza which would be my least favorite of all the toppings there. But, OK, it's Italian sausage but not the type I like. Then, the sauce was kind of sticky and sweet with one heck of an aftertaste. That would not be a real bad thing if the initial taste was good, but since it wasn't, I was not pleased to be reminded of my dinner all evening.

To start with, I just chalked it up. Then, I got the Tums out. Finally, I had to hang up on my Mom on the phone, because Buitoni turned out to be a rental meal.

Moral of the Story: Be sure to stock up on toilet paper if you serve this to guests. I would also recommend dinner by candlelight on this one.

Top 10 Reasons I Would Rather Eat Dirt Than Shop Wal-Mart

2010-08-08T20:18:00.000-07:00

Top 10 – Why I Try NOT to Shop at Wal-Mart

I know the prices are low at Wal-Mart. They have a huge selection of goods. It’s one-stop shopping – everything from getting a haircut and eyes checked to tires changed and groceries for the week.

Still, I dread going to Wal-Mart. My hands start to sweat before I even get in the parking lot. By the time I’m in the door, I’ve lost my list and stepped in chewing gum. It goes downhill from there.

Here are the first 10 things that I hate most about Wal-Mart:

1. There’s always a big woman with children parked sideways rather than lengthwise with an overflowing cart on the isle I need to visit. I have these visions of a fire breaking out and no way possible to get around the dysfunctional family gathered in the kitchenware isle.

2. They hide the candy at Wal-Mart. All normal stores have candy with the food. Wal-Mart puts it over next to the toys - clear across the store from the groceries. By the time I get back over to the candy (which I always forget is on the other side), I’ve burned enough calories to justify eating the candy on the way home. Then, I have no candy and need to go back to Wal-Mart.

3. Wal-Mart shoppers must go through a lot of toilet paper. If they have normal size packs of TP, I never find those. I end up with a 24 roll pack that takes up the whole cart. If I need paper towels too, then I can’t even see around all that paper balanced precariously on top of my other stuff.

4. The soda pops on sale are always stacked so high that I can’t reach the top to get a 24 pack which is darn heavy to start with. One day I’m sure I will inch it forward, the cube of Pepsi will topple off and bean me – or worse some poor kid who happens to walk by at the wrong time.

5. Does Wal-Mart milk their own cows? They sure think highly of the milk based on the prices. They charge more than any store in town, and I’m sure it’s because they know no one wants to make another stop just for lower priced milk. That’s OK though. I still go to the BP and save a buck or two.

6. The person with “the key” is never handy at Wal-Mart. Not only do they lock the glass cases with games, they have figured out how to lock the little displays with things like media cards and batteries. These do not look locked, and it took me about 15 minutes to figure it out. The security tape will probably show up on YouTube one of these days – confused lady turns media card pack every direction before figuring out she needs to find key man.

7. How do you buy stuff outside at Wal-Mart when they don’t have a cash register out there? Do you load up all that mulch and cow manure and haul it inside and around the store, or do you tell the cashier that you want some random stuff outside? This is a mystery and why I get bags of yard materials at the Farm Bureau.

8. They do clean the bathrooms at Wal-Mart. I can attest to that. Every time I happen to need to go (which I try very hard not to have to do), there’s a sign up saying the bathroom is closed for cleaning. It’s never the men’s bathroom, which I would guess needs cleaning more than the ladies room though I could be wrong on that. I’ve been sorely tempted to run in the men’s bathroom real quick, but I’m restrained myself – so far.

9. That bag roulette wheel at Wal-Mart is just plain odd. I’m putting my stuff on the conveyer belt, getting out my credit card, swiping and signing. Meanwhile, my purchases are going in bags and circling around like those ducks at the country fair. I always wonder if I missed a bag and probably have.

10. That beep, beep, beep thing that goes off when I go out the door at Wal-Mart drives me nuts. Let’s announce to the world that Cyndi and her kids are shoplifters. Of course we’re not. It’s always some random little something clearly marked on the receipt. In fact, we look so NOT like shoplifters that we usually get waved right through but only after everyone looks to see who got nailed by the happy Wal-Mart greeter Granny.

It’s not all bad at Wal-Mart, and I do shop there when I can’t find an excuse to get out of it. When I actually catch my breath enough to look around, I see some most interesting people. Today we ended up behind a prostitute I’m pretty sure. I yelled, “Don’t look Ethel” and covered the boys’ eyes. We ducked down the bread lane and blocked the isle talking to a couple of kids I taught at the college. I’m glad a fire did not break out, and I’m sorry for anyone who was wanting bagels. It’s the Wal-Mart way.

Moral of the Story - If I need anything THAT bad and they do not have it here other than Wal-Mart I will try to buy it online. If I must go to Wal-Mart I close my eyes and fun like the devil is on my heels.

Egg Roll the Robber and Leave Him with Egg Foo Young on His Face

2010-07-30T12:13:00.000-07:00

Ha! Ha! Bad Man Should Have Read the Fortune Cookie First

Take that you wicked man with gun!

When a robber tried to take the money and from the Asian Buffet in Norman reports KOCO in Oklahoma City, a female employee yanked his mask off as he grabbed for the money.

And, then it was on as other employees grabbed the guy.

The big, bad robber dragged the the pile of employees to the door, but someone locked him in and others got the gun away as he started firing.

Someone needs to take that guy's robber card away after he gets out of jail, because he got beat up by servers half his size when he had a gun, and they just had aprons. Plus, the bulk of the workers that were working him over were petite females.

Moral of the story: Use a clean plate when getting more food at the Asian Buffet and remember that they have the police carry you out on speed dial.

Food Fight - Someone Plays Dirty with a Cheeseburger

2010-07-29T19:14:00.000-07:00

What do you do if you get mad at someone?

Hum. I'm thinking that maybe you might talk to that person.

Someone else maybe had another idea. As reported in the Herald of Rock Hill, SC, a woman was having problems with her car. It would crank but then quit.

Not good.

Turns out someone stuffed a cheeseburger complete with a pickle in the gas tank. That gives a whole new meaning to "food fight."

This may not sound like a huge deal, but the cost to repair a cheeseburgered car is $1000. OUCH!

OK. Perhaps this was not an intentional deed of food warfare. The case has not been solved yet. So, how could a cheeseburger end up in your gas tank if someone was not just gunning for you and being a major jerk?

Let me count the ways a cheeseburger accidently gets in the gas tank, and feel free to add your ideas!

Cheeseburger in Gas Tank Theory Challenge - Top 10 Ways it Got in There

1. It was dark, and someone thought the car was the refrigerator.

2. There were no trash cans around, and the person who jammed the cheeseburger in the gas tank did not want to liter.

3. Someone tripped and the cheeseburger just happened to fly in the gas tank hole.

4. One of the kids knew that the other kids in the family would eat the cheeseburger and just hid it in the gas tank for later.

5. The driver was eating the cheeseburger and it fell in the gas tank when she was filling up her car with gas.

6. Someone ordered the burger without pickles and got the gas tank confused with the drive through window hole.

7. The drivers date did not want to tell her he hates cheeseburgers so jammed it in the gas tank and pretended he ate it so as not to hurt her feelings.

8. The cheeseburger was cold, and someone thought the gas tank would heat it back up and spit it back up.

9. The car looked hungry, and some kind soul decided to feed it.

10. The car was sold with the cheeseburger in the tank from the factory, and it just took a while for it to break down enough to cause engine problems.

Moral of the Story - Do not put cheeseburgers in your gas tank and do not hang out with people who do things like that.

First Night of MasterChef on FOX with Gordan Ramsay - Some Half Fast and Some Not Half Bad at All

2010-07-27T19:26:00.000-07:00

Tonight was the first night of MasterChef which is another Gordan Ramsay (Hell's Kitchen) cooking show creation. In this FOX TV show, the idea is that home cooks get a chance to make the leap from cooking for family and friends to being a chef.

Well, the winner will get a quarter of a million dollars and a cookbook deal. There's not a chef job hanging out there like on Hell's Kitchen.

Am I Lusting After This MasterChef Gig? - Well - No

I've never had any desire to be a chef. I love cooking at home, and I dish up some darn good grub. But, I just don't see cooking for a living. It's what I do to relax and because I love to get in the kitchen and create.

I do, however, enjoy watching some of the cooking and chef shows on TV. I get new ideas, and I love to see someone chase and catch a dream.

How Did the First Night Go On MasterChef?

The home cook pool included 100 wanna-be's, so the hour was a bit wild with the first half of the final 30 being selected. Some of the winners and losers got air time and some did not. I was kind of disappointed that apron winners did not all get to showcase dishes, but I guess they only have so many minutes. So, viewers got to kind of know some of the contestants but not others.

No Need for a Beverage with Beer Cheese Soup - Then Again . . .

MasterChef kicked off with a guy from Texas with some beer cheese soup. He seemed pretty sure that he would rock the judges, but Gordan Ramsay said that it was the "most disgusting soup I've ever tasted." I'd have to say that I'd have a hard time downing a big bowl of cheese melted with beer, but Graham (the big judge) said he could handle it. He looks more like the beer cheese soup kind of fellow.

Other Memorable Recipe Bombs on the First Night of MasterChef

A former soccer player from Brazil thought she'd dazzle the male judges by being super flirty and especially with Gordan Ramsay. She wore a rather revealing top and made comments about the front and back field while flashing a dazzling smile. Her fish taco with corn and mango gagged the judges, and my son gagged just thinking about it. Some things just were not meant to be. And, someone might want to practice more on cooking rather than on sucking up.

Then, there was poor Randy. He's Southern. Bless his heart. I can say that. I'm Southern. If a little bit is good, a whole lot is a whole lot better. So, he must have put a whole pound of butter in his "funeral potatoes." Now, I'm sure the family may call them "funeral potatoes," but some things are better not shared. The name of this dish is one of those things, and the actual dish is the second. Glenn (the more serious judge) called it "cave man" food while Ramsay said the funeral potatoes looked like "cow dung topped with cheese." I am pretty sure Ramsay has not seen cow dung. The potatoes did not look like cow poo. They looked like vomit. For real.

The News Was Not ALL Bad of Course - Some Winners on MasterChef Night One

You can't very well have a Master Chef contest and not have any contestants, so the judges, of course, passed a few home cooks through to continue the competition. Really now, imagine that they said every dish was just awful. That makes for a really short TV run.

Duck and Run Back to the Kitchen with the First Apron

The first to get an apron (that's the prize - kind of like the ticket to Vegas on So You Think You Can Dance) was Michael. He made Duck Ssam. In case you are confused, Michael made pan seared duck. Ramsay called the dish "brilliant." I like the comment by the big guy the best. He said the dish was like "sex in the mouth." I think I need to get ahold of that recipe.

Michael is a server, so he has his foot in the culinary door. He had the moves and plating down, and my son predicted that he'd win this one. Guess we'll have to wait and see on that. He was more polished than the other home cooks though.

If You Go Broke as a Doctor, Then Just Be a Chef

Tracy is a medical doctor, and her Momma left her recipes in a notebook. This was shortly before the mother died three years ago - suddenly. This was a really touching story, and I know all about trying to round up the family recipes and save them. I'm still tracking down many in my family that may or may not written down or passed down. (Note to readers - Do write down your special recipes and share them with a family member who will cherish them.)

The dish from Tracy's notebook written by her Mom was a smothered chicken with brussel sprouts. The judges were a little concerned that Tracy might not be able to cook outside the book (made by Mom). Tracy told them that she was there to learn. She made it through, and I hope she does not move so far beyond the family recipes that she loses the heart that made her stand out.

Yes - I Am Cocky Until You Hurt My Feeling and Make Me Cry

David from Boston was sure full of himself. The judges called him on that, since his dish was not what he said it was. Plus, deduct points for David memorizing a couple of words in French but then being unable to converse with Ramsay in French.

The software engineer thought his duck was cooked, although it was really some kind of seafood dish and not duck he cooked. He probably figured he had a ticket home when Ramsay called him a "joker" and not in the good sense. David got a lot more serious then and cried, so the judges put him through.

Maybe the chick from Brazil should have cried instead of flirting. Just saying . . .

Smiling on the South - And a Big Old Bear Hug

Avis hails from Louisiana where she helps the elderly and home based. She's a big lady who looks like she could cook up a big Southern Sunday dinner. I'd be right at her table in a heartbeat.

The judges were not real keen on the overcooked pasta (past-uh as Ramsay says), but they did think Avis nailed the catfish. Hum. It is the Southern way to cook a food to death. Would Avis be able to get beyond that? Ramsay figured he'd wait and see after Avis said, "Please give me a chance." When she bear hugged him, he did say that she "just crushed me."

Please Don't Dump Me in Front of My Wife and Kid

The last guy to move on made mac and cheese, and the judges pointed out that it's a super common dish and that he'd better nail it and make the best ever mac and cheese if he wanted to move on.

The judges were not impressed with the Parmesan cheese butterflies used to hang on the side of the parley for decoration and then they decided he forgot to season (as in add a little salt). It was looking a bit iffie.

When Ramsay called in the guy's wife and kid with a pacifier, I knew this one was going to move on. Come on. Really. It would take a super jerk to call out the wife and kid and then say, "Sorry. No. You're not good enough."

MasterChef Night One - The Final Verdict

MasterChef rode on the heels of Hell's Kitchen, and it really needed a two hour opening with 100 contestants. Still, it looks like a show with potential. The voices and dishes were new and not so polished. I'm sure folks will up the game as they go along like on other reality shows. But, season one looks like it might be more real than most reality shows.

Save Money! Snag a Bottle of Great BBQ Sauce for Only 99 Cents - No Kidding!

2009-12-18T06:41:00.000-08:00

The Half Fast Cook is doing the happy dance with this great deal from OpenSky!

You get a $6 coupon off a bottle of Wild n Mild grilling glaze which means you only pay 99 cents. Now, that's one heck of an online deal, and Wild n Mild is one kick butt barbecue sauce to boot.

Details . . .

- Just go to the Wild n Mild page.
- Add a bottle of Wild n Mild to your cart.
- In check out, type or paste in the code SAUCE99.

That's it. Super easy. No catches. Just a chance for folks to try out a great barbecue sauce made out of Mississippi by a young guy just getting started as a barbecue sauce king.

A Little About Wild n Mild to Get Your Mouth Watering

You can use Wild n Mild on the grill - of course. But, it's also good as a marinade or sauce for kitchen dishes and can be used in place of Worchestershire sauce in recipes for a cleaner flavor. Wild n Mild is especially good for stir fry too and especially for those who are not real fond of soy sauce.

As an added bonus, Wild n Mild works really well with wild game meat, so hunters out there, you really want to snag a bottle of Wild n Mild barbecue sauce.

This deal starts today 12-18-2009 and ends when the sauce runs dry. There are 240 bottles, so kick it in gear and get you a bottle of Wild n Mild.

Junk Food Tax - The Cost of Sin Goes Higher and Higher

2009-07-28T08:00:00.000-07:00

Are You Going to be Paying Higher Taxes for a Bottle or Can of Soda?

The smokers were saying that the government would be gunning for the rest of us soon, and they were right. After adding huge taxes to cigarettes and slowly raising the price of alcohol, they are now looking to tax soft drinks (as well as energy drinks like Gatorade).

The way more taxes are justified is (as with cigarettes and alcohol), the government is selling this plan as a way of helping us all get healthier and for funding health costs for all. They're pulling out statistics showing that overweight people have more health issues. But, they aren't noting that obese people also have shorter lifespans. So, the costs are short term and likely balance out in the end.

Also, I would note that if "the plan" works as stated in getting people to quit buying sodas and other junk foods (and who will define what's junk?), then where is the government going to get money to support health care? Seriously, they benefit only because people are using products that can be demonized. So, when they price out with the bulk of the population, then they will have to go hunting for something else to tax.

It's also worth considering that the poor bear the heaviest burden on this tax. While you may say, "She/he ought to buy healthier food then," junk food is denser in terms of calories and provides more energy for fewer dollars. That's unfortunate but true.

Moral: Once big brother starts to meddle, you better watch your Twinkies and Ranch flavored Ruffles.

And Then a Giant Hot Dog Busted Our Garage and Deck

2009-07-18T08:39:00.000-07:00

Can you imagine the 9-1-1 call?

Hello?

Yes. This giant hot dog just ran into the side of a house.

Do you know you are be arrested for making crank calls to 9-1-1?

Uh. Yes. But, really, the hot dog did crash into the house.

Channel 3000 reports that the Oscar Meyer weiner-mobile did, in fact, crash into a home in Mount Pleasant, Wisconsin (July 2009). Seems the young driver needed to turn around and got the forward and reserve mixed up. Boom! There goes the garage and porch.

Oscar Meyer will of course see about getting the house (which was empty at the time) fixed back up and knock the dents out of the weinermobile.

Moral: Even though hot dogs look the same on both ends, it is important to know if they're coming or going, especially when they are giant sized.

College Guide on How Not to Reheat the Pizza

2009-07-12T13:13:00.000-07:00

UNC Chapel Hill is a very select state university. They require high grades and SAT scores but must not test on basic life skills.

A fireman in Chapel Hill told me about an interesting college fire at nearby apartments.

A UNC sudent decided he wanted to heat up his leftover pizza. OK. I can relate to that. I like mine hot too. But, he put the whole box in the oven and cranked it up. Now, do you put paper in the oven? No. That is the correct answer to that test question. No paper is the oven. Paper is combustable.

The student discovered that paper does burn in the oven, so he did what I suppose seemed logical to him at the time. He ran outside to get something to put out the fire.

And, what do you think was handy?

Mulch.

OK. Mulch is wood. That is something else you do not put in the oven especially when the oven is on fire already with a paper pizza box. This is what you might call "adding fuel to the fire" if you need a cliche for your English class assignment. On the test of life, the answer is "no" to the question: Does mulch work well for putting out fires?

Fortunately, someone did have the common sense to call the fire department who put out the pizza box and mulch fire and gave the student directions for heating up leftover pizza.

Moral of the story:

Some people should maybe just eat the pizza cold.

Fast Food Makes You Stupid Says Vanderbilt University

2009-07-10T10:05:00.000-07:00

Geez! I just thought fast food made you fat. Now, Vandebilt University in Tennessee says that fast food makes you stupid too. Bummer.

The researchers did a study which involved tracking what these 10 and 11 year old kids ate and how they scored on tests. How exactly they did that, I am not sure. In any case, they kept up with over 5000 kids and their food selections and test scores.

Kids who ate fast food 3 times a week scored 7 points lower on reading than those who ate fast food less often. More fast food - lower scores. Similar results on math.

I'd love to see the original data on this study. The writer who covered the story mentioned that School Food Trust (government funded) had suggested banning kids from leaving school at lunch time. And, this, I suppose, would cut down on kids eating fast food or junk food.

Perhaps schools in Tennessee serve balanced school meals. Around here, the kids go get in the junk food line at school. The choices are either pizza or a fried chicken sandwich with a side of Tator Tots. Although I'm not a nutritionist, I'm not seeing how that's any better than a Big Mac and fries other than the school portions are skimpy, and I have to feed the boys again when they get home.

Moral: Maybe school tests make you crave fast food.

Bringing Back Hope . . . or the Death of a Goldfish

2009-07-10T09:34:00.000-07:00

One of my son's buddies was running for high school student body president and had a very clever idea for his speech. He would bring back hope.

He brought out his fish bowl and explained that the fish was named Hope. Everyone oh'ed and ad'ed of course. Fish are so cute.

The idea here was that the potential president would swallow Hope the fish and then cough her back up. In other words, he would bring Hope back to the school.

This all went very well during the practice sessions. Hope went up and down and up and down. No problem.

Unfortunately, the politician-to-be did not try doing his short speech part while holding down Hope, so when it was time for Hope to return, Hope was not so cooperative.

Uh oh.

The only water on stage was in the fish bowl. Ugh. Fishy water. But, the candidate swallowed water and more water and gagged and tried and tried to return Hope to his school. But, he only managed to cover the stage with vomit but no Hope.

Teachers, not having the greatest senses of humor, expelled the poor guy for a week. And, he was disqualified as a candidate.

Moral: Don't bite off more than you can chew or swallow a fish if you plan to talk a while before coughing it back up.

Now We Know Why That Red Bull Gives Us a Buzz

2009-07-06T09:31:00.001-07:00

Germany is none too happy about the results of tests on Red Bull Cola. Seems they found "traces of cocaine" in there.

The laced soda out of Austria actually has decocainised coca leaf (or basically cocaine). Levels are considered safe though per the FDA of Europe.

Still, the Germans are not impressed. They've banned Red Bull in six states. Now, aren't they the ones who enjoy some stout beer?

Ah well. I guess we all choose our poisons.

Red Bull of the U.S. does want to make sure that buyers know that the product tested was European Red Bull Cola.

"We believe that Asian authorities mistakenly applied concerns about Red Bull Simply Cola to Red Bull Energy Drink, a completely different product with an entirely different formula...de-cocainized coca leaf extracts are used as flavoring in food products around the world and are considered to be safe. Indeed, in 21 C.F.R. 182.20, the Food and Drug Administration regulations provide that it is acceptable and safe to use de-cocainized coca in food products in the United States," notes Red Bull Energy Drink.

Fat Cockroaches, Pricey Ice, and a Cupcake Cop - Strange Food News

2009-07-03T15:15:00.000-07:00

Are the McDonalds Cockroaches Fatter Than the Ones at Subway?

This must have been one of the roaches on a healthy diet.

Well, I can’t really tell you about cockroaches at specific fast food joints, but Patricia Moore at the University of Exeter in the UK tells us that a decade of research proves that roaches fed poor diets turn out to be fatties. Exeter is, by the way, The Times Higher University of the Year 2007/2008. Perhaps they actually meant that they stay high most of the time over there if this is the kind of cutting edge research they’re conducting.

Moral: Leave junk food out for your roaches and maybe they will get too fat to fit bck through your cracks the next night.

50 Cents – No, Not the Rap Singer – That’s the Charge Per Ice Cube in Your Cocktail

I hope you do not notice that big ice charge on your check. It's really not my idea sweetie.

Better take your liquor straight up at Morton’s Steakhouse in Midtown. Not only do they charge you around $15 for a cocktail, they’re tagging on $2.50 if you want that on the rocks. Better yet – you may just want to toss back a few before you eat there. They try to explain all that by saying they go heavier on the liquor with a “rock” pour. Good come back I guess, but I’m not buying it.

Moral: Ask for a discount if you do belly button shots. After all, you’re saving someone from washing a glass, and time is money too. Plus, you don’t need ice in your belly button.

Santa Claus is Fat and My Kids Can’t Have that Birthday Cupcake

Yes! Cupcakes are of the devil, and I am telling God and the police on you for being a junk food junkie pusher.

“Happy Birthday to You . . . . la la . . .” But, do not give my kid a cupcake or sprinkles to go on the ice cream. And, send that juice pop home in her Tupperware container provided to bring home the evidence of child abuse at her kids’ school. Never mind that the juice pop will melt (and aren’t juice pops pretty healthy anyway?) Send it home for inspection and proof.

MeMe Roth isn’t satisfied with dictating her own kids’ food intake, she thinks she has the right to push her agenda off on everyone else. She even ran off with the sprinkles and sauce for the ice cream at the YMCA in 2007, and the police had to be called.

Moral: God is great. God is good. Let us thank him for the ice cream and that MeMe Roth isn’t our mother. Amen.

Half Fast Cooks of the World Unite

2009-07-03T14:49:00.000-07:00

My Granny was not a kitchen goddess. She was, as her favorite collectable plate stated, the Half Fast Cook.

I am not a fast cook.
I am not a slow cook.
I amd a half fast cook.

Kitchen plates were popular with Granny's generation, and my Grandma (Mom's side) had a plate that said, "Two things are always open. Grandma's arms and Grandma's kitchen." I ended up with that plate and love it, but Granny's plate is the one that always makes me laugh.

I guess I got genes from both sides when it comes to the kitchen. I love to cook when I'm in the mood. When I'm not in the mood, I don't feel a bit bad about picking up a pizza. I would feel better about having it delivered, but since I live out in the middle of nowhere, they don't even deliver out here. That's a sorry state of affairs huh?

My favorite type of cooking is outdoor cooking, and I have my own grill and barbecue site called Yes You Can Grill and also a new cooking space with old family favorites called Yes You Can Cook. What you'll get with both of those sites are common sense ideas, tips, recipes, and product reviews.

Half Fast Cook?

Well, this is where I play with my food and put my elbows on the table. You'll find all kinds of random fun stuff about cooking and food and maybe a half fast recipe from time to time.